In junior high I had very little self confidence issues.  I felt fine with the way I looked.  My grandma admired me because I could go to school with no makeup and be just fine with it.  Unfortunately, this did not continue through high school and college.  Especially lately I have not been feeling great about my body.  There are very few days where I look in the mirror and am happy about what I see.

This is a problem.  I have a wedding in less than 5 months now, and every day I think about getting up the next morning with a new motivation for getting into shape and eating healthy.

It is weird because I never wake up with the motivation that I had the night before.  Also, I just cannot seem to keep up the exercising or eating healthy.  I know that Justin loves every bit of me– inside and out.  The problem is that I do not, and it just does not seem to be enough for me.  I want other people in this world to look at me and this, “wow, she is beautiful.”  And please don’t write to me and say that just to make me happy.  I really want to do better.

I know that at my wedding no one is going to be surprised at how I look.  No one is expecting to see me that day weighing 120 pounds all of a sudden.  I do want them to see me and think that I am a beautiful bride.

So I need to come up with a plan and a way to stay accountable to it.  I am fully welcoming you all to ask me daily if I walked on the treadmill or ate fruits and vegetables.  Invite me to go on a brisk walk or, when we eat out, tell me to get a salad with no dressing.

Tonight, right now, I want to do this.  I want to want to do this tomorrow and the next day, and the next.  Through my friends and my family I am hoping to be held to my plans to do this, and I hope that I can rely on God to help me lose the weight and eat healthy.

Amber: Why are nerds on TV always named Justin?

Justin: because I’m famous in the nerd community

Amber: HAHAHAHAHA

Justin: You laugh

Justin and I have started our pre-marital counseling.  We have only had two sessions so far, but so far it is going well.  We have learned some new things about our personalities and about how those things can affect communication.  I am really enjoying learning these things with Justin.

School is going so-so.  I have been trying a lot harder over the last few weeks than I have in awhile.  I have some really hard classes, and I am trying to understand all of the information taught.  I have learned a lot of interesting things about God and the Lutheran Church.

Wedding plans are also going well.  We have a lot of little things to take care of over the next few months but all of the big things are taken care of.

But the moral of the story is that the sun started to shine the other day, and now the world isn’t all brown.

I have had headaches pretty much every day for the last 6 months.

I am incredibly overloaded and behind.

I need to keep working because I like having money to spend and need money for school.

I am tired all the time.

I don’t understand Lutheran theology and I am angry at my church for not teaching me well enough in confirmation to have a basis for it.

I am not growing spiritually and am not close to God right now even though I deeply want to be.

I just want to weep.