Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

I have many hopes and dreams for you.

First and foremost, I hope for you to come into this world healthy.
I want you to open your eyes and see your Mommy and Daddy, and your grandparents, aunts and the many people that already love you.
I hope that you will see beauty in your life.
I hope you never see pain, but knowing this world as I do, you will see pain.  I hope that when that happens, you encounter it with grace and faith.
I dream of your firsts, your onlys, and your manys.
I dream of your faith.  I hope it will be unwavering and steadfast.  I hope you will ask questions and find those answers in God.
I hope you grow up to be a strong person, with a kind heart and a strong mind.

There are so many more things that I hope and dream for you.  This is only a few, and I will tell you more soon.

I do want you to know that no matter what my hopes are for you, I want you to follow your dreams.  I most of all want you to be a happy soul.

I love you.

Your mommy

I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free

I saw this beautiful quote by Michelangelo and I thought of the pregnancy process.  God is taking the time to create my wonderful little child and will introduce us to the babe once it is completely ready.  Even though my hormones are going crazy, I can’t do basic math anymore, and my center of gravity is off, pregnancy has been such a beautiful process.  I am so excited and blessed to be going through this.

Our next doctor appointment is on Wednesday.  I am so excited to see our babe again and to see the growth so far.  I have not been gaining any weight, I am still down about 12 pounds.  I am only slightly concerned, but I want to make sure that babe is growing like it should be.

I am truly over the whole Minnesota winter thing.  I understand that once summer hits, I will be extra hot, but I am more than okay with that.  After our Monday snow, I fell on the sidewalk at work.  While I didn’t get home, and babe seems to be just fine, it sure scared me.  The slipperyness and coldness has stayed way past it’s welcome.  Ironically, it really hasn’t.  We always have snow this long, but this year it’s bugging me especially.

Classes have started up again.  I have class about every other weekend, so this weekend class is on.  I amazingly got all of my reading done, which I sometimes slack off on a bit.

Speaking of reading, there are quite a few times where I completely forget that I am pregnant.  While I am reading is one of those times.  I am guessing this is very normal – you don’t think about anything you are all of the time.  Part of the reason is probably because I am not sure that I am feeling babe move around yet.  There have been no, “YES! That’s it!” moments yet for me.  I am very excited for that, but I am trusting that even though I can’t feel babe, God is caring for us and I will have even more proof of that on Wednesday!

I want to share one final little story.  Due to my pregnancy brain, I forget a lot of things that happen during the journey, but I want to make sure I am remembering them.  Justin, Nikki and I along with Justin’s parents went to Khan’s Mongolian BBQ for lunch one day.  At the end we got our fortune cookies, and the server brought one extra.  We decided that was for the baby, and I picked one and read the baby’s fortune.  I do want to say that while I really enjoy fortunes, I don’t usually take them to heart.  I cracked open the cookie and it read, “You will bring sunshine into someone’s life.”  What a perfect moment that was.  I teared up a bit, making everyone laugh at me, but what a perfect, beautiful, God moment.

It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.

I have been wanting to share, mostly with my future self/child, the journey that is my pregnancy.  Now, just about halfway through, I am finally starting!  Who knows, this may be the first of many words to share, or it may be the last.  It is hard for me to stay consistent at blogging, but here’s to trying!

I am pregnant with my first beautiful child, who is expected to arrive in this world around July 11, 2011.  Babe will be a summer baby, which in itself is a new experience since Justin and I are both November/December birthdays.  So far this has been an easy pregnancy, which I am very blessed to say.  I have had my share of nausea, exhaustion, mood swings, pregnancy brain, headaches, and the other usual suspects that creep into life once pregnant, but I haven’t “lost my cookies” or anything to that extent.  I have been fortunate to have had 3 ultrasounds so far where I have gotten to see my babe, and we have another one coming up on Wednesday.

We will not be finding out what we are having, pending “pregnant Amber” doesn’t go crazy and tells the tech to share the news.  Justin is convinced it is a boy, as are many other people.  One of our ultrasounds showed the leg (it was the leg, believe me) placed in a certain way that made it look like a very well endowed little boy.  A few people have decided babe is a girl.  I am truly happy knowing that this babe is growing healthy, and I have no preference.  I have been calling babe a she to counteract Justin, but I have been dreaming in pink!  Who knows, I just know that God has decided to bless us with a baby.

Now I saw the quote I used in my title about questions and answers.  At first I saw it, and thought it was completely wrong.  I would always prefer to know ALL of the answers.  Just ask my mom!  I have been searching for answers to all of my questions since I was little, and never accepting that I couldn’t have the answer.  Now of course, I didn’t always get the answer, which increased my frustration.  I want(ed) to understand the world, it’s every detail and direction.  I want(ed) God to make it clear to me so that I have no more questions and only answers.

The more I read this quote, I realized that in it, God was speaking to me.  He is telling me, yet again, that knowing all of the answer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, nor is it possible.  I don’t get to know the answers, it is not my right.  What I am supposed to do is listen to God, to search in Him and in His word for the answers, but to be content in still having questions.

During this pregnancy, I have had many questions, doubts, and not-understandings.  I have been blessed with a beautiful, healthy babe so far (see the doubt I still have in that sentence?) while so many others have losses, troubles, and unsuccessful attempts at pregnancy.  I don’t understand.  I ask “Why me?” too often, instead of just believing/accepting that God has given me this gift.

I will continue to have doubts, and this pregnancy will test again and again my faith in God.  Fortunately, I have people praying for me, and a little babe inside of me that will help me to remember God’s miraculous ways, and to thank Him always for this gift.  I can still question, but I need to add trust into the question that if the answer is not clear to me, I will be ok.

Title quoted from James Thurber