I am having the absolute hardest time deciding what I want for my future.  The basic question is: go to grad school or do not.  It seems like it should be a simple decision: go to grad school.  There are just so many more factors to this decision that are making it hard for me.

I have always wanted to be a mom.  Since I was about 3, it was what my plan was for the future.  Be a mom, raise kids, and be happy.  Growing up, that is all I wanted to be, even through college.  I changed my mind about a million times regarding the major I wanted and finally settled on history.  I would absolutely love to work in a museum of sorts sharing history with the world, but I also feel like I would love to be a librarian.  To be a librarian, I need to get a masters.

I want to have kids right now and Justin wants to wait a little longer.  I know that he is right about waiting a little longer.

If I do not go to grad school, our plan would be to start having children in 2-3 years.  If I do go to grad school, we would likely wait 4-5 years.

If I go, we could have more money long term, have the potential to have more children.  If I don’t go, money would be tighter and we wouldn’t have as many kids most likely as I want to have.

If I do not go, there is a chance that I wouldn’t have to work as much but if I go, I wouldn’t want to waste my masters.

If I do go, I add ~$23,000 to my student loan debt.

Every one (mostly) I know is telling me to get my masters.  They tell me to even if they don’t know what the decision is.  I agree that this is the most logical decision, but every time I think more about it, my heart hurts.  I am reminded of the years I would have to wait to hold my child in my arms.  I know 5 years is nothing, but I just am unable to imagine waiting that long.

I feel like God is telling me to go for it, to further my education.  But I am just so scared that it is the wrong decision.