Planning the Next Move

I am having the absolute hardest time deciding what I want for my future.  The basic question is: go to grad school or do not.  It seems like it should be a simple decision: go to grad school.  There are just so many more factors to this decision that are making it hard for me.

I have always wanted to be a mom.  Since I was about 3, it was what my plan was for the future.  Be a mom, raise kids, and be happy.  Growing up, that is all I wanted to be, even through college.  I changed my mind about a million times regarding the major I wanted and finally settled on history.  I would absolutely love to work in a museum of sorts sharing history with the world, but I also feel like I would love to be a librarian.  To be a librarian, I need to get a masters.

I want to have kids right now and Justin wants to wait a little longer.  I know that he is right about waiting a little longer.

If I do not go to grad school, our plan would be to start having children in 2-3 years.  If I do go to grad school, we would likely wait 4-5 years.

If I go, we could have more money long term, have the potential to have more children.  If I don’t go, money would be tighter and we wouldn’t have as many kids most likely as I want to have.

If I do not go, there is a chance that I wouldn’t have to work as much but if I go, I wouldn’t want to waste my masters.

If I do go, I add ~$23,000 to my student loan debt.

Every one (mostly) I know is telling me to get my masters.  They tell me to even if they don’t know what the decision is.  I agree that this is the most logical decision, but every time I think more about it, my heart hurts.  I am reminded of the years I would have to wait to hold my child in my arms.  I know 5 years is nothing, but I just am unable to imagine waiting that long.

I feel like God is telling me to go for it, to further my education.  But I am just so scared that it is the wrong decision.

Growth

I went to a funeral at my church on Monday for the first time ever.  It was about my 15th funeral, but I had never been to one here.

Until Monday, I had been scared to go to one at a place that had been so full of life for me.  I don’t think that in high school I would have been able to go there for a funeral.

You see, when I got confirmed at church, my mom said that I had to choose one thing to go to at church, and I had to go weekly.  Starting in 10th grade, I began developing my own faith instead of the one that I had been told to have.  I grew to know Jesus as my personal savior and friend.  But I also had some hard times during my high school years.  These years consisted of doubt, confusion, hatred, sadness, happiness, love, I could go on and on.  Coming to church became the best part of my week, my favorite place to be and it held the most important people in my life.  I could not have handled this place including death of a loved one.

Having gone to so many funerals in my life, I had experienced them as a great passage to Heaven as well as a horrible exit from this earth.  I knew that I could feel gladness at a funeral as well as anger.  At the time when this church meant so much to my life and was one of the reasons that I have made it to 23, a funeral would not have meshed with this temple.

At the end of the day, I have realized that I have grown incredibly.  I was able to go to accept sadness and death at a place I never wanted to have to.

It’s a God thing.

For God so loved the world…

I really enjoyed the church sermon today. We are focusing on questions to ask during Lent at our church. (You can read all about them here.)  This week was focusing on the truths of God, and how important it is to understand the correct truths.

Pastor Nadasdy was preaching in Genesis, which is always exciting for me because I always get something out of his sermons.  Today that was especially true.  Although the entire sermon was interesting and caused me to think about things a bit deeper, there was one truth that stood out.

Pastor Nadasdy said that one of the crucial truths about God is that He loves the world (as stated in John 3.16-“For God so loved the world…”)  I had always said or read that passage and brushed it off as a ‘duh’ kind of sentence.  Of course He loves the world!  Otherwise He wouldn’t have sent Jesus to save us!  But God doesn’t just love the world… He loves those people that we don’t.  He loves those who murder, who swear, who just rub you the wrong way, and those who you think are too different from you to care about.

That alone was amazing to me, and then Pastor said “So should the church love the world.”  OH WOW!!!  It is amazing to me how the world could change if the church demonstrated that love to God’s people.  What would it be like if the church welcomed in homosexual people, people of different faiths, those who have shown hate against the church!  I am not saying that the church has to agree with everyone’s actions or lifestyles, but everyone is a child of God no matter what and they deserve to be shown the love that we would show a member of our church.

The world could be such a wonderful place if the church could show that love.  So many more people would see God for what He has done for us, for who He is, and for the friend He wants to be without being blinded by problems with the ‘church’.

Hopefully we can become more like God everyday.  I know I am going to start trying harder!

Motivation of a Narrow Kind

There are so many things in life that require motivation.  Sometimes it is harder to get motivated to do something than to actually do it!

Take for example, going to the gym.  When I finally get motivated to go, I am almost as proud of myself as when I actually go!

Filling out job applications takes a lot of motivation, especially when 99% of them lead to rejection.  I feel that I am a very qualified applicant.  I have always been praised by employers and I really takepride in whatever job I am doing.  It is hard to express my worth on paper though, which is the way to apply for jobs!  I can only call and say I am interested so many times!  It is continually frustrating to be a new graduate in a bad economy.

The good thing is, I am blessed with the assurance that I am not in control.  God will take care of this job search of mine, I just have to leave it up to him and be patient.

That takes motivation too!

My Favorite Color is Green

There are many times in my life where I am envious of others.  I will see someone who seems very happy and content and I will try to figure out what is secretly wrong in their lives.  It is hard for me to trust that someone could be very content.  I do not believe that anyone can ever be content with everything in their lives, but I know that there is a higher level of contentment that I am capable of reaching.

The Bible says, A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones (Proverbs 14:30).  This week I think that I am going to start working on ways to be content in my life and find things that I am grateful for.

Starting tonight…  I am grateful for:

  • Having someone to snuggle up next to every night no matter what we went through that day
  • Having a kitty to snuggle up next to any time of the day
  • Being able to own a home, two new cars, and other nice things even though I still have not been employed
  • Solitaire
  • Mom, Dad, and Ashley; Mom, Dad, and Amy
  • Great friends
  • God and His word
  • Gold’s Gym
  • Books

As I started writing those down, I realize that I could go on forever.  There are so many things that can help me feel more content with my life that I already have.  It is important to start appreciating them more.

The Last First Day

I started school yesterday.  It is my fifth year so I am a super senior!  I like being super, but I am not so sure this is the way I wanted to accomplish superness.  I have a light load of classes this semester but I think they will each give me their own challenges.  I have to write at least 2 research papers and I am kind of nervous that I will not do well on them.  I have a goal to have a straight-A semester, and seeing as this is my last chance, I really want to accomplish my goal.

I am married now as many of you know.  It has been a challenge but a great one.  It is hard to relate with many of my friends who are getting married around this time.  Every wedding that I am attending in the next month or so involves a couple that were already living together.  Justin and I were not living together, so getting married and him moving it has presented many more obstacles than the other couples will face, and more than I expected.

I cannot believe how happy I am though.  Having Justin to fall asleep next to and wake up next to has been amazing.  I love him so much, and I can see how much he loves me more than I ever could before.  He even lets the cat sleep with us at my request!

Enough being sappy!

I am nervous about become a real adult in December.  I have to find a grown up job!  This is exciting but not, because I really have no idea what kind of job I will find.  Having a history degree gives me a wide array of options, I just have to narrow them down!