Prepare for and plan for the best

photoJustin and I are going on our first vacation sans children in a couple of weeks.  It’s a work conference for myself, but we are adding a day so that we can spend some quality time together. It will be a great way to strengthen our marriage.

I’m terrified.

We haven’t left the kids yet, but for a night away here and there.  Link tells me he misses me when I leave his room at night!  How will he handle 5 days?  And sweet Eloise, who doesn’t sleep… what will she do when she can’t snuggle with mommy all night?

I know they will be fine. But I worry – I am a worrier.  It will be so good for Justin and I, and it will be great for Link to learn that we leave AND come back.

I did get my will finalized, so if we end up in the Indian Ocean or anything, the kids are protected.  I didn’t put a directive for Alabaster – so hopefully someone will take him.

All this being said, God has us in His hands.  We will all be safe, and loved, and protected.  But say a prayer for us anyway… please.

Missing Jay

I’ve been to many funerals in my life; too many to count.  I will be attending one today for a faculty member where I work.  It will be a celebration of her life, remembering her accomplishments and love, and trying to take away the power that cancer had over her.  Many of the funerals I’ve attended have been celebrations.  I’ve known some incredible people who have lived incredibly fulfilling lives.

But a few of my funeral experiences have been brutal.  I watched my best friend mourn the loss of her sister.  I experienced devastation as my mom lost her brother.  But the one that was most crippling for me was when we lost Jay.

Jay was Justin’s cousin, and was very close in age to me.  I loved him.  He went to the UMN while I did, and I would often run into him, and listen to him gripe about his studies.  He was so smart.  We were honored to have him as an usher in our wedding, and I made him dance with me during the reception.  His smile made me smile.  Three years ago today during my pregnancy with Lincoln, Jay took his own life.

I have faced depression in my life, but I will not pretend to understand how Jay felt to make that decision.  What I do know is that his death changed me.

I don’t think about Jay every day, but I think about him often.  Many, many people think about him daily.  I am so blessed to have known him, and I wish he had stayed with us longer.

If you are so deep in your sadness that you feel like the world would be better without you in it, know that it will not.  Jay made a mark on my life long before his ended, and today especially, I miss him.

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Jason and Diane

Today my kids will be hugged tighter and my husband kissed longer.  I will say hi to every student I walk by and smile at more people.  I will thank God for holding me up when I couldn’t do it myself. I will celebrate Jay’s life.

Trusting God and trusting myself

I have been having a lot of anxiety lately related to being Link’s mom.  I have been worried about tragedies.  Tragedies that could happen to us.  I have been drowning in tears and fears.  I have not been able to understand how I am supposed to trust God with Link – that He will protect him from tragedy.

This morning I woke up, worked out with my trainer, and walked to my office and decided that today I was going to start trusting God.  It was amazing the rush of excitement and relief that went through me at that moment.  Totally the Holy Spirit.

I know that this will be a continuous struggle for me – it always has.  God and I don’t always have the same idea of what is best for me.  He knows how things work themselves out, and how what happens can be used to glorify Him – I do not.  At least not right away.

So as we embark on the month of thanksgiving, and on this Halloween day, I am ending my month of fears.  I am choosing to trust God with my beautiful, wonderful little miracle that God trusted me with.

The Irrational Thoughts of a New Mom

Someday I will die.  That is inevitable.  I have never been afraid per say of dying, I just didn’t want it to happen yet.  Now that I have Lincoln, I think I’m going to die all of the time.  Around every corner I see a new danger.  One of my biggest fears right now is that I will leave Lincoln alone in this world.  Of course he would not be alone – he would have a wonderful father and amazing grandparents to care for him.  That doesn’t make it better.  The key thing for me to do now is trust in God.

Trust in God? That has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced throughout my entire life.  People whom I love have died, gotten sick, had horrible things happen to them.  Despite this, I am told to follow Him.  Proverbs says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”  Isaiah says “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid.”  We read in Psalms “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God… I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”  There are countless more examples of how the Bible tells us to trust in God.

So instead of looking at all of the ways that I feel God has “let me down” I instead will look at the proof God has given to trust in Him.  That proof for me is Lincoln.  I waited (im)patiently for our amazing Lord to gift me with one of His children.  I (im)patiently trusted that someday it would be my turn.  I had a beautiful and successful first pregnancy.  We had a beautiful and scary birth.  I watched my sweet boy taken away from me not breathing, but all along trusted (without any sort of understanding) that God would carry Lincoln through.  I now have a strong, healthy, amazing child that shows the miracles God performs.  He did this for me.  Now it’s time that I trust Him with all that I am.

Life One Armed

Well I didn’t die.  Thank you Jesus!

I am amazed how much I took my arm for granted.  I will have full use of it soon, but it is so weird how great of a loss one surgery does to the muscles in your shoulder!  I just hope that after all of my therapy is done, the pain will all be gone too.

During my Vicodin filled days, I have been keeping my brain moving with Sudoku!  Unfortunately they are all difficult to read since I had to use my left hand.  I am practically ambidextrous now!

I have had so many people taking wonderful care of me!  I so greatly appreciate how much people helped me.

Also, many of you were worried about how well Justin would take care of me.  I was pleasantly surprised how amazing Justin was!  Despite teasing me about dying and having the abilities of a 5 year old, he has been so great.  I love him so much and am so blessed to have him.  I have had a great look towards our future during this time and have seen how great of a father he will be.

Hopefully Not the Last

I feel like I should update my blog seeing as I have this goal of updating it often.  It’s not like I am too busy to do so, I just forget to do it 🙂

On Wednesday I am having shoulder surgery.  Not a huge deal, just fixing some things that are wrong with it.  Besides getting my wisdom teeth pulled, I have never had surgery before, and I am a bit terrified.  They aren’t even cutting me open, but I think my problem is that I watch too many doctor shows so I have seen the incredibly unlikely scenarios happen all too often.  After the surgery I have to be monitored for 24 hours to make sure I don’t have a funny reaction to the anesthesia.  Justin can’t be at home the whole time, so he wants to set up a webcam.  Sounds like him doesn’t it?

In other news… still no job :-/  I fortunately have many smaller jobs that keep the bills paid.  I am very grateful to God for this because I could have nothing.  I just didn’t picture life after college to be the way that it is turning out to be.

The great thing about not having a “real” job is that it doesn’t really matter overall.  I have a great life!  I am married to someone that I love very much no matter how much we argue about the right way to do things!  I have a loving family and great friends.  Plus I have God, who provides for me and never lets me go.

Sappy, I know… but what if this is my last post?

If it is… Dad gets my car 🙂