The Irrational Thoughts of a New Mom

Someday I will die.  That is inevitable.  I have never been afraid per say of dying, I just didn’t want it to happen yet.  Now that I have Lincoln, I think I’m going to die all of the time.  Around every corner I see a new danger.  One of my biggest fears right now is that I will leave Lincoln alone in this world.  Of course he would not be alone – he would have a wonderful father and amazing grandparents to care for him.  That doesn’t make it better.  The key thing for me to do now is trust in God.

Trust in God? That has been one of the biggest challenges I have faced throughout my entire life.  People whom I love have died, gotten sick, had horrible things happen to them.  Despite this, I am told to follow Him.  Proverbs says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”  Isaiah says “Behold, God is my salvation, I will trust and not be afraid.”  We read in Psalms “Whenever I am afraid, I will trust in You. In God… I have put my trust; I will not fear. What can flesh do to me?”  There are countless more examples of how the Bible tells us to trust in God.

So instead of looking at all of the ways that I feel God has “let me down” I instead will look at the proof God has given to trust in Him.  That proof for me is Lincoln.  I waited (im)patiently for our amazing Lord to gift me with one of His children.  I (im)patiently trusted that someday it would be my turn.  I had a beautiful and successful first pregnancy.  We had a beautiful and scary birth.  I watched my sweet boy taken away from me not breathing, but all along trusted (without any sort of understanding) that God would carry Lincoln through.  I now have a strong, healthy, amazing child that shows the miracles God performs.  He did this for me.  Now it’s time that I trust Him with all that I am.