Confusion

I am not really confused, I just liked the title. Today has been a good day so far. Nothing bad has happened or anything. I was really tired and kinda sick this morning, but I am fine now. I got to school clean and on time. English was good. I handed in my final paper, after many revisions and help from my sweetheart. Then I went over to my grandma’s house to chill. I had left over mac and cheese for lunch, I worked out on the treadmill, and I laid down and rested with the puppy. Came back here to school and I went to health class. I have a low B in there, so I need to work harder. Actually, I just need to do well on my quizzes. I think college finals are going to kill me. So now I am just sitting in here waiting for sociology. I am really hungry… I might go get something to eat, but I shouldn’t. Who cares!So what else is new? Nothing too much. I can give you the run down on the past and upcoming weeks… Friday I got my senior pix taken.
Saturday I went over to Justin’s and watched the Nebraska football game. It was lots of fun!
Sunday we celebrated my cousin Sierra’s 2nd birthday.
Monday was the season premier of TV Night!
Today I might go over to Justin’s if he wants me to.
Wednesday I have a KC meeting and the first Wed. night of church.
Thursday, nothing yet.
Friday I get to go see my senior pictures, work lunches at school selling suckers, and it is homecoming! Yay!
Saturday I do not have to work, so I am up for whatever! I kinda wanted to get to the Renaissance Festival this year, cause I have never gone. But I probably won’t make it there.
Sunday is Justin and I’s 4 month. I don’t know if we will do anything, but who knows. Now I am going to go away. Bye!

Meow

I am not going to write very much… But I don’t want all of the smiley faces on my graph to disappear! Not much to say, nothing too exciting is happening. Just FYI for all of you, 48 days until my birthday! Don’t get me anything…. too big! Nikki is good, but we miss her. Justin is good. Me is good. Okay, enough updating.

Numero Uno

I have not been updated regularly. For this I apologize. But I am updating now. I am here at my wonderful school. How exciting for me. I could be doing homework, but I am not. I just got done taking my first official quiz of my college career. I finished in 20 minutes, maybe less, and she sent me away! So I am sitting here doing nothing because I don’t have class. My next one will not be until 3pm. Oh well. I kind of want to join a night class here. It is a stained glass art class. I thought that it would be kinda cool. But I do not know if my mom would let me. So I do not think that I will. I am getting my senior pictures done tomorrow. I am somewhat excited, but somewhat not. I don’t really care I guess. I think that I want to major in journalism. It would be cool. I am even kinda excited! But I will go now. Goodbye!

GO VIKES!

We won, of course. There was no question about it! Went over to Derek’s to watch the game with bunches of people. It was fun to fight against the Packer fans. I really could care less who won, but I still rooted for the Vikes. It is good to stay on Derek’s side because if you aren’t he’ll just give you crap about it. Justin is coming home today sometime. I would kind of like to know when, but his cell is off. Oh well. Umm… Nikki goes back to school tonight. I will miss her but I can call her anytime! As long as it is after nine 🙂 I should go finish my homework… but I don’t really want to. Everything that I have to finish isn’t due until Tuesday. I know that it’s a good idea to be ahead, but I am tired and I just don’t want to. There is nothing to read online. Justin hasn’t updated cause he is gone, Nikki updated but I read it already, and John hasn’t updated in a few days. Man oh man. My mommy and daddy hung up my pictures on my wall. I didn’t know that they were going to, but they hung them well. I re-read my essay last night that I posted on here, and I decided it sucks. But it is my first college essay, so I am not going to worry too much about it. I think I shall go now. Everything’s gonna be alright
Rockabye

In Her Room

**This is a paper I wrote for my english class. The class is a college course, so I would like some feedback on how it sounds, and if it is college worthy.** She lies in her bed and thinks about her life. Does her bedroom tell who she really is? The door is closed. She is hiding in here. It is sort of her sanctuary. There is a mirror next to the door. It needs to be hung on the wall so that she can see her face. But for some reason she doesn’t take the time to do that. Maybe she doesn’t want to look in the mirror and face herself. She doesn’t think that anyone understands who she is. But she doesn’t want them to. Her emotions are a secret.
She looks over to her window sill. There is a picture of her as a little girl, so innocent and unaware of her future. She started hiding her feelings when she was young. She felt that she needed to be the strong one. Dad was sick and mom did her best. Her little sister needed someone to look up to for strength. So she was brave as her family went through tough times. She seemed to think that it was up to her. Someone needed to keep everything together, so she did. She learned to be good at helping others and not burdening them with her problems. After all, her troubles were never as important as everyone else’s. Today she is trying to share more, but not with her family. Mom is sick and she needs to be strong for her family again. But there seems to be someone in her life that she can talk to.
She rolls over on her bed and looks at her wall. In glow-in-the-dark paint there is a secret message. It states, “I love you.” It’s from him. He is the man that she can turn to when things look down. She is glad that there is finally someone that can help her. She can talk to him about anything. He tells her that everything will be all right. She is not so sure though.
As she looks at the college catalogs all over her floor, she wonders what is out there for her. There are many options for her—private, Christian colleges, public colleges, community colleges. But she does not want to go to college. She cannot figure out what major she would like. She wants to be a librarian or an art restorer. But most of all she wants to be a mom. When she imagines herself spending the next four years stuck in a classroom, it is agonizing. But her parents want her to go, and he wants her to go. She doesn’t completely understand why her parents want her to go so bad if they cannot afford it. But they want her to seize the opportunities that they passed by. Someday she will have children though, and she wants to be able to provide for them. She wants her children to be proud of their mommy. She will go for them, but she can’t think of reasons to go for herself. She lacks motivation. It seems like she lacks motivation for everything lately.
Her school books are sitting in the corner of her room under a sweatshirt. She just cannot bring herself to open them up and read. What’s the point? Everything that she reads is forgot immediately. She doesn’t seem to comprehend it. But she does want motivation. She wants to walk up in front of her parents and receive her high school diploma. She wants them to be proud of her.
She looks around her room again. She sees the used Kleenex on her floor next to the bed. She was crying last night. She does that a lot lately, but only in here. Her bedroom is her escape. She takes comfort in the items in here. She can sit at her computer and play a game while listening to music. The music drowns out her thoughts. Her CD tower is filled with a variety of music. Backstreet Boys were her first CD, a band that was popular at the time. The Beach Boys CD was from a report she did in eighth grade. Avril Lavigne and Nelly Furtado are from days when she needed ‘girl power’ music. As she is sitting here on her bed, she looks next to her at her stuffed monkey. He is as old as her. She holds him as she falls asleep each night. She needs something to hold onto when she is completely vulnerable.
Above her bed is her birth announcement. She wonders why she has this in here. She reads the date—November second, nineteen eighty-five. She will be eighteen shortly. She will be free. She thinks that she is ready for this. She wants to move out on her own, to get away from all of this. But she doesn’t want to forget. There is a box of pictures next to her. She thumbs through them, remembering where and why each one was taken. She is smiling in most of them, but she realizes that a lot of them were fake smiles. She wishes that the future smiles captured on film will be genuine. She really does want to be happy. The pill bottle on the shelf is going to help with her depression and make her happy again. But will this be a fake happy too? She longs to be real, to be loved, and to be alive. Not physically alive, because she is, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
She glances over at her closet. Her shoes are designer brands. Her clothes allow her to fit in anywhere. There are various colors and styles of clothing. She dresses to impress. But impress who? She wants to impress the world! She wants them to all want her and admire her. She wants a name for herself. She would like to be famous, not for being pretty or anything superficial, but for loving others. One of her favorite things to do is love others. She loves to volunteer for everything and to help everyone.
While she looks in her closet, she sees a box full of her stuff. She moved downstairs to this room a few months ago. She was trying to get as far away from her family as she could. The box hasn’t been unpacked yet. She doesn’t want to unload all of her things into her new room because she doesn’t want this to be her permanent residence. She wants to leave this house soon.
There is a collection of glass bottles on her shelf. She has been collecting these for years now. There is no reason behind this assortment. None of them are alike though, all of them unique. She likes that about them; she is unique.
Next to her bottles is a calendar. This calendar is special, meant to be used over and over again year after year. She reads the inspirational thoughts on its pages every day. Once in a while on will catch her attention and apply to her day. She loves when this happens. She looks above her window. She has painted her own inspirational thought there. It reads, “Live well. Laugh often. Love much.” She believes in those words with her whole heart, but she does not follow them to the ‘T’. She laughs, but not often enough. She does love many with all of her being. But she doesn’t live well. By living well, she needs to live for herself.
She hears a noise. Her alarm clock is going off; it must have been set wrong. She has two alarm clocks in her room, and one is set twenty minutes ahead. She needs extra help getting out of bed in the morning, because she doesn’t always see the point.
The clock on her cell phone reads 1:53am. She is getting tired, but she is waiting for a call. She picks up her health homework and fills out her stress journal. Stress is a common word in her vocabulary. Her homework asks her to record one of her stressors from the day. “Life” is what she wants to write. When she finishes, it is twenty minutes later. The call never came, and tonight she feels alone again.
She turns off the lights and crawls into bed. The glow-in-the-dark stars on her walls remind her of the sky. She closes her eyes, covers her head, and falls asleep.
The next morning she awakens. She looks around her room again as she stands up. She walks over to the mirror on the floor and props it up on a box. As she looks herself in the eye she hears “Lullaby” playing on the radio. “Everything’s gonna be alright.”

Today

I went through my old entries today. They are very interesting, to say the least. In the past year or so, I have gone through a lot. Not a lot like you should feel bad for me, just a lot. I have gone through my first boyfriend and I am onto my second. That’s sounds lovely doesn’t it? I thought I was in love. I really did. I was happy at times, and I faked happy at times. My two constants in my life have been Nikki and Justin. This is a good thing. I read all the comments that I made about Justin, and I can tell that I have always loved him. I didn’t always love him like I love him now, but I still loved him. My mom and I were talking to my shrink the other day, and we talked about Justin. My mom said that when we looked at each other we looked like we were in love, and that we had for awhile. When they say "Love is blind," I guess they really mean it because we really didn’t think that we would ever go out. Justin has been there for me since we started being friends. I remember when we met officially. It was both of our first Starlights, the 2nd Annual one, and I asked him to dance. It was the last dance, and both of us were dateless. Katie kinda nudged me to ask him, but I was going to anyways. I thought he was kinda funny looking. He was wearing his usual formal black outfit. I remember watching him rap and thinking that that must be a huge step for him and that even though I knew him so little, I was proud. When we danced, his hands were sweaty, as usual. I remember thinking that it wasn’t gross. I remember making a marriage pact with Justin. I was excited about this. I saw him as such a wonderful person, who was going to make a wonderful husband, father, and who already made a wonderful friend. I could see myself falling in love with him someday. I didn’t imagine that it would happen so soon. I remember trying to help Justin realize that Nikki wasn’t the one for him. I remember trying to figure out why Nikki just wouldn’t give him a chance. To be honest, I am glad she didn’t! 😉 I remember watching Justin at Starlight #2 preparing to dance with Nikki. Justin helped me through all of my problems with Jon. I know now that it wasn’t meant to be. I think that I wanted my wish– to love/date/marry only one guy– to come true so bad that I wanted to make it work. But it wasn’t meant to be. I remember all of the play flirting that Justin and I liked to do. I remember telling Justin that if Jon wasn’t in the picture that I would be serious about the flirting. I remember sitting on the hill that day next to Justin. He was shaking. I was laying next to this wonderful man that I had loved as a friend for so long and now I was going to love him in a different way. I remember the first time that I was able to say "I love you" to Justin and know that I meant it, and that when he said it, he meant it. I remember dancing with Justin the entire night of prom. It was wonderful. I remember sitting at the water fountain outside of the Emperor’s ball. I remember this afternoon. Justin brought me lunch where I was babysitting. He is leaving for Nebraska tonight. I will remember this second. I am in love with the person that I will spend the rest of my life. This man will be the father of my children, my co-provider, my husband, my love, my life. Now onto Nikki! I don’t remember meeting Nikki for the first time. I do remember becoming close to her through small group. I remember her staying sober with me at Edgar’s party. I remember Nikki being there for me when Celeste left. I remember Nikki as my current best friend. I know that I am not going to say as much about Nikki as I did about Justin. But I love her just as much. And I will try. She is with Nate. I remember all of the boys that we have talked about over the year. I remember calling Nikki today and hearing her voice. It made me happy. Even if it doesn’t always seem like I want to hang out with her, and I am sorry Nikki if it seems that way, and if it seems like I don’t like her, or even if I say that I don’t, I am sorry Nikki if I ever say this, I love her. There are days that I just don’t want to deal with her. 😀 But I love her. I remember deciding to walk a mile with her. We wanted to prove that the number of feet that they say are in a mile weren’t. I remember going to Sonshine the first year with her and putting up with Megan together. I remember Nikki being there through all of my boy problems. I remember being very mad when she told me what she told me at Sonshine. I remember forgiving her for telling me this, and being happy that she didn’t go through with it. I know that Nikki really loves me. I remember having late night talks in my bed. I remember being videotaped by Justin in the backseat of the Explorer. I remember making a marriage pact with Nikki, but she turned me down. I remember this moment, waiting for her to call. Thinking that tonight I am going to have fun. Nikki call me! I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be married to Justin. I want to be a mom. I want to live in the same area as Nikki so that our kids can play together. But jobwise, I got nothin’! I love kids, so I am thinking about a major in early childhood education. But I really have no desire to go to college, but I am still going to go. I am going to go so that if I need to provide for my children by myself someday, that I will be able to. I kind of want to go to school in Arizona. It is a nice state. And PT is there. So that would be fun. But I don’t know. As much as I think that I would be fine without Justin, I know that I would miss him. I would also miss Nikki. I missed her this week. School is hard this year. I do not have any friends there. I should work on that, I just don’t want to. Which is also bad. Friends are a good thing to have. It would be nice to have a friend in each class so that if I need help I can call them. We will see and I will work on it. I do not have any motivation to get my homework done. I did do a couple of easy things last night, but that was it. I hope to get some work done on Saturday when I work. But we will see. It is kind of busy on Saturdays, so I might not be able to. I do need to get some motivation. Apparently I need motivation for myself. Not for anyone else. Nate and Nikki are going to pick me up in an hour. We don’t know what we are going to do yet tho. But why plan when you can be spontaneous? **I just wanted to take a moment to thank Nikki for always asking me if I am okay and telling me that I can talk to her.** Well, to be perfectly honest, I do not even miss Justin. Yet… Maybe I won’t at all! Well, not at all, just not so much that I need him. I am not sure if that makes any sense. I have written a lot today. I am kinda proud. Hehe. So yes. I wonder how many words this is… I am definitely not going to take the time to count it. I babysat my cousins today. I felt like a mommy. I brought them to McDonalds for lunch and then I brought Jack to kindergarten. I got to walk him in with Sierra in my arms. It was kinda fun. He blew me a kiss goodbye and then Sierra wanted to slide on the slide. So we did that a couple of times. I put her back in her carseat then and drove home. Justin was there waiting for us. We all watched Stuart Little together on the couch. It was very nice. Very family-like. Someday I know that everything will be alright. I will be happy. Hopefully, that day will come soon. I started my medicine today so that I will be not depressed. I am trying to be happy. I am pretty good to day to tell ya the truth. I don’t know why. Maybe cause I didn’t have school today. I think I am going to have a busy next week. Lots of homework and papers due. I have a meeting and work tomorrow. Church on Sunday. Monday through Thursday I have school. Wednesday I have key club. Friday I have a sitting at Kirk for my senior pictures. Okay, so in reality I do not have that busy of a week. I do have a busy month though. With lots of stuff to do. But oh well. I have support so that I will get through it.Word Count: 1,645