I went through my old entries today. They are very interesting, to say the least. In the past year or so, I have gone through a lot. Not a lot like you should feel bad for me, just a lot. I have gone through my first boyfriend and I am onto my second. That’s sounds lovely doesn’t it? I thought I was in love. I really did. I was happy at times, and I faked happy at times. My two constants in my life have been Nikki and Justin. This is a good thing. I read all the comments that I made about Justin, and I can tell that I have always loved him. I didn’t always love him like I love him now, but I still loved him. My mom and I were talking to my shrink the other day, and we talked about Justin. My mom said that when we looked at each other we looked like we were in love, and that we had for awhile. When they say "Love is blind," I guess they really mean it because we really didn’t think that we would ever go out. Justin has been there for me since we started being friends. I remember when we met officially. It was both of our first Starlights, the 2nd Annual one, and I asked him to dance. It was the last dance, and both of us were dateless. Katie kinda nudged me to ask him, but I was going to anyways. I thought he was kinda funny looking. He was wearing his usual formal black outfit. I remember watching him rap and thinking that that must be a huge step for him and that even though I knew him so little, I was proud. When we danced, his hands were sweaty, as usual. I remember thinking that it wasn’t gross. I remember making a marriage pact with Justin. I was excited about this. I saw him as such a wonderful person, who was going to make a wonderful husband, father, and who already made a wonderful friend. I could see myself falling in love with him someday. I didn’t imagine that it would happen so soon. I remember trying to help Justin realize that Nikki wasn’t the one for him. I remember trying to figure out why Nikki just wouldn’t give him a chance. To be honest, I am glad she didn’t! 😉 I remember watching Justin at Starlight #2 preparing to dance with Nikki. Justin helped me through all of my problems with Jon. I know now that it wasn’t meant to be. I think that I wanted my wish– to love/date/marry only one guy– to come true so bad that I wanted to make it work. But it wasn’t meant to be. I remember all of the play flirting that Justin and I liked to do. I remember telling Justin that if Jon wasn’t in the picture that I would be serious about the flirting. I remember sitting on the hill that day next to Justin. He was shaking. I was laying next to this wonderful man that I had loved as a friend for so long and now I was going to love him in a different way. I remember the first time that I was able to say "I love you" to Justin and know that I meant it, and that when he said it, he meant it. I remember dancing with Justin the entire night of prom. It was wonderful. I remember sitting at the water fountain outside of the Emperor’s ball. I remember this afternoon. Justin brought me lunch where I was babysitting. He is leaving for Nebraska tonight. I will remember this second. I am in love with the person that I will spend the rest of my life. This man will be the father of my children, my co-provider, my husband, my love, my life. Now onto Nikki! I don’t remember meeting Nikki for the first time. I do remember becoming close to her through small group. I remember her staying sober with me at Edgar’s party. I remember Nikki being there for me when Celeste left. I remember Nikki as my current best friend. I know that I am not going to say as much about Nikki as I did about Justin. But I love her just as much. And I will try. She is with Nate. I remember all of the boys that we have talked about over the year. I remember calling Nikki today and hearing her voice. It made me happy. Even if it doesn’t always seem like I want to hang out with her, and I am sorry Nikki if it seems that way, and if it seems like I don’t like her, or even if I say that I don’t, I am sorry Nikki if I ever say this, I love her. There are days that I just don’t want to deal with her. 😀 But I love her. I remember deciding to walk a mile with her. We wanted to prove that the number of feet that they say are in a mile weren’t. I remember going to Sonshine the first year with her and putting up with Megan together. I remember Nikki being there through all of my boy problems. I remember being very mad when she told me what she told me at Sonshine. I remember forgiving her for telling me this, and being happy that she didn’t go through with it. I know that Nikki really loves me. I remember having late night talks in my bed. I remember being videotaped by Justin in the backseat of the Explorer. I remember making a marriage pact with Nikki, but she turned me down. I remember this moment, waiting for her to call. Thinking that tonight I am going to have fun. Nikki call me! I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be married to Justin. I want to be a mom. I want to live in the same area as Nikki so that our kids can play together. But jobwise, I got nothin’! I love kids, so I am thinking about a major in early childhood education. But I really have no desire to go to college, but I am still going to go. I am going to go so that if I need to provide for my children by myself someday, that I will be able to. I kind of want to go to school in Arizona. It is a nice state. And PT is there. So that would be fun. But I don’t know. As much as I think that I would be fine without Justin, I know that I would miss him. I would also miss Nikki. I missed her this week. School is hard this year. I do not have any friends there. I should work on that, I just don’t want to. Which is also bad. Friends are a good thing to have. It would be nice to have a friend in each class so that if I need help I can call them. We will see and I will work on it. I do not have any motivation to get my homework done. I did do a couple of easy things last night, but that was it. I hope to get some work done on Saturday when I work. But we will see. It is kind of busy on Saturdays, so I might not be able to. I do need to get some motivation. Apparently I need motivation for myself. Not for anyone else. Nate and Nikki are going to pick me up in an hour. We don’t know what we are going to do yet tho. But why plan when you can be spontaneous? **I just wanted to take a moment to thank Nikki for always asking me if I am okay and telling me that I can talk to her.** Well, to be perfectly honest, I do not even miss Justin. Yet… Maybe I won’t at all! Well, not at all, just not so much that I need him. I am not sure if that makes any sense. I have written a lot today. I am kinda proud. Hehe. So yes. I wonder how many words this is… I am definitely not going to take the time to count it. I babysat my cousins today. I felt like a mommy. I brought them to McDonalds for lunch and then I brought Jack to kindergarten. I got to walk him in with Sierra in my arms. It was kinda fun. He blew me a kiss goodbye and then Sierra wanted to slide on the slide. So we did that a couple of times. I put her back in her carseat then and drove home. Justin was there waiting for us. We all watched Stuart Little together on the couch. It was very nice. Very family-like. Someday I know that everything will be alright. I will be happy. Hopefully, that day will come soon. I started my medicine today so that I will be not depressed. I am trying to be happy. I am pretty good to day to tell ya the truth. I don’t know why. Maybe cause I didn’t have school today. I think I am going to have a busy next week. Lots of homework and papers due. I have a meeting and work tomorrow. Church on Sunday. Monday through Thursday I have school. Wednesday I have key club. Friday I have a sitting at Kirk for my senior pictures. Okay, so in reality I do not have that busy of a week. I do have a busy month though. With lots of stuff to do. But oh well. I have support so that I will get through it.Word Count: 1,645